GM Chairman Admits that Cars are Magic

GM Chairman Admits that Cars are Magic

by DAVID CARMANY

Published: October 13, 2012

DETROIT - When pushed at a press conference Friday night, chairman and chief executive officer of General Motors Daniel Akerson admitted that "cars are magic," thus debunking the popular belief that cars run on some mysterious combination of electricity and internal combustion, or whatever it was called.

Akerson paused for 2 whole minutes before answering the question.

After a long question and answer session which was meant to be a debriefing after the quarterly stockholders' meeting for GM, the question which everyone was really dying to ask was finally brought up: "What is it exactly that makes cars run?"  After several unsatisfactory and obviously rehearsed responses, Akerson spilled the beans on automobile functioning.

"Our cars are, and always have been manufactured through the use of spells and omens cast on the empty car bodies by our wizard staff."  Akerson later added that "wizard staff" was meant to include enchanters of all genders and species in response to a concern raised about diversity.

"We live in an age of information," says Akerson, "Our long-standing superstitions about combustion and fuel have finally come to an end."  He went on to admit that engines were "Basically just a facade" to cover up the real mysticism lying at the heart of each and every car.  "Now that this is out, we'll have no more reason to produce engines."

The head of the Workers' Union at GM went on record saying, "Well...f***."