Primary Colors

Sometimes when I read through the various philosophers for my human nature classes, I wonder "have I really learned anything since I was a little kid?"  Sure, now I can tie my shoes and navigate Microsoft Word and understand a good number of Shakespeare references, but have I learned anything?

I guess when I read through the arguments for the nature of the universe and God (and God's existence) I visualize a huge room full of people giving their opinions all at once, not really listening to each other very well (but that's not my point), occasionally I'll chime in with my beliefs as they stand.  But have I really learned anything new?

I've felt and experienced new things.  I've gotten over fears and prejudices and played for the team I used to root against occasionally.  I've gotten more sensitive to how my actions affect other people, but I've always known that my actions affect other people, ever since I was a baby and I'd cry for a bottle (I assume I did this, based on my observation of every other human baby.)

The same arguments are being repeated.  Whenever I seem to hear a new argument I like to investigate it and look up the big words I'm hearing for the first time.  When I do this it's like I'm pulling the mask off of the Wailing Goblin that's been terrorizing Bloomington and finding out that it's just Old Man Whintey trying to "get at the money that's rightfully his" (if you're lost just forget that last sentence).  It seems like it's the same questions that are being asked and argued over.

Sometimes it feels like learning might be as hopeless as finding a new primary color, or, even harder, imagining a new sensory organ.

Dominos

My will is not free, it’s a great work of fiction.

I am the sum of my past and the past of the earth.

Every yell in the park, every dream in the dark

Every domino falling is just a part of the picture.

The wall full of writing has a cause that it follows.

The road was less taken ‘cause the other was crowded.

Our cognitive powers are simply illusion.

When we think that we’re learning, we’re really just falling

From the cliff of eternity carved out by the wind.

But despite this inevitable fate I am set in

I reflect on the chain of unstoppable movements

And I see that this series of inflexible agents

Has created a mind which now trusts its own judgments.

How moronic this mind is to think that it thinks!

It’s merely a perpetual sorting machine

That orders this world into asinine sections

To prove to itself that its discernments are valid.

And despite these abysmal yet "logical" musings

I can’t help but feel I should call it a night.

The Cyclone

I grab at the railing, my only last hope.  My legs flail behind me, stretched into the gale.

One at a time the screws tear through plaster.  At last my heart races as I plunge into the storm.

One frame of that movie slips into my mind, the one with the dog and the yellow brick road.

Then reality hits and I know I may die.

The air is too dark for my vision to see the world past the cyclone, and the dust stings my eyes.

At last after kicking and flailing (for show), my body goes limp when I’m knocked cold by a brick.

At this point I woke, (of course it’s a dream).  I get a quick drink and I go back to sleep.

This time it’s a maelstrom, and I’m on the outskirts. I swim away from the ominous center.

Yet after a while, I’m tired and coughing, I can no longer tell if I’m going the right way.

I tread water and feel for the vortex to guide me.  How easy it’d be to simply give up.

When the shark bumps against me I force myself up.

I lay for a minute, sweating, heart racing.  I have never felt love for this bed until now.

I shakily stand, ‘cause I know I can’t sleep.  I feel so alive and awake and intense.

The storm outside calms me, and I know that I’m safe. ‘Till it rips off the roof and I grab for the railing.

GM Chairman Admits that Cars are Magic

GM Chairman Admits that Cars are Magic

by DAVID CARMANY

Published: October 13, 2012

DETROIT - When pushed at a press conference Friday night, chairman and chief executive officer of General Motors Daniel Akerson admitted that "cars are magic," thus debunking the popular belief that cars run on some mysterious combination of electricity and internal combustion, or whatever it was called.

Akerson paused for 2 whole minutes before answering the question.

After a long question and answer session which was meant to be a debriefing after the quarterly stockholders' meeting for GM, the question which everyone was really dying to ask was finally brought up: "What is it exactly that makes cars run?"  After several unsatisfactory and obviously rehearsed responses, Akerson spilled the beans on automobile functioning.

"Our cars are, and always have been manufactured through the use of spells and omens cast on the empty car bodies by our wizard staff."  Akerson later added that "wizard staff" was meant to include enchanters of all genders and species in response to a concern raised about diversity.

"We live in an age of information," says Akerson, "Our long-standing superstitions about combustion and fuel have finally come to an end."  He went on to admit that engines were "Basically just a facade" to cover up the real mysticism lying at the heart of each and every car.  "Now that this is out, we'll have no more reason to produce engines."

The head of the Workers' Union at GM went on record saying, "Well...f***."

Shoutout to Simon Rich

What I think other people at Malone are saying about me:

In the cafeteria:

-Who's that kid sitting at that one table all by himself?

-I don't know, but it's probably because he has no friends.

-Wait, no! He's pulling out his phone, people without friends have no use for phones!

-He's probably meeting someone here.

-Ah, yes, I can see that frustrated look in his eyes, the other person must be running late.

In chapel:

-Isn't that David over there not raising his hands during worship?

-I think it is, wow, what a heathen, he's probably thinking about drugs and other sins.

-But wait, if you think about it, everyone raises their hands during worship.

-Yeah, so David is really trending and probably more spiritual than any of us!

-Oh my gosh, I never thought of it that way!

In class:

-Why is that kid in the back row not asking any questions?

-I don't know, I mean, we've pretty much all been asking questions except for him.

-Yeah, it's blatantly obvious that he's the only one not asking questions.

-Maybe he doesn't need to know anything more.

-Huh. So you're saying this material is all common knowledge to him?

-It must be! Wow, he's the smartest person I know!

Playing ultimate in the quad:

-Wow, look at that kid, he's great!

-You mean that one?

-No, not the obviously fast and skilled one, the other one.

-Oh I see, the one that is probably holding back his skill for a quick burst late in the game?

-Yeah, that one, he knows what he's doing.

-Those other fools think points win the game, haha.

Driving back to campus:

-Isn't that David's car?
-I think so, no one else would be playing such a great mix of classics and contemporary hits.
-It's true, he does have the best music.
-Sometimes I'm so jealous of David's music taste I can't stand it.
-Me too, I have to try really hard to be indifferent about it when I see him.
-Yeah, me too.